I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
