I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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