Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
