But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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