I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
