The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
