Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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