I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
