Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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