Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
