I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
