I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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