my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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