After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Two words: blizzard sex
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Randomize
