My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Watching her eat just hurts me
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
