my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
