i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
