Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
