U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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