4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
