My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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