I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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