oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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