he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
we're so committed to being not committed
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
