Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Randomize
