If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
