What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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