Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
me + whiskey = a bad person
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
