if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize