since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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