i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
