My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
