Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
