i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
