and she was petting her beer can
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
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I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
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Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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