If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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