So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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