a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
