Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
