idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
