I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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