I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
