I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
