He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
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