Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just want to make out with him forever
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
