I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
