the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
