someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Randomize
