i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
