You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
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It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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