so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
