I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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