You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I want to fling myself into the sun
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
