it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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