If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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