I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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