dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
