this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
