he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
