Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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